Musings in repose
My uncle Gene left this world just over four years ago. During the last few years of his life, I was blessed to know the essence of who he really was. A time of change which just continued to spiral into a feeling of ah of all he was capeable of. This piece I jotted down in the days after his death, he truly had found the freedom which he feared being unworthy of for so long.. I salute you and love you Gene and feel privledged in knowing you!
Blessings and Namaste'
Spring of 1983, sitting by a tree listening to the birds sound out as they flew over head my thoughts soared into their flight above. How could these creatures of this earth be given the gift of flight over the human race, for what purpose? Spent my life with the urge to fly higher and attempting to meet goals with the wings of a bird, seemingly effortless in the process of just being who they were designed to be.
I had given wings to others and watched them fly from my teachings, but yet had not found that in myself. Along the way choosing to make choices to be the best I could be, without many times having full consideration or knowing our choices need to be as good for the ones we love, as for ourselves.
Good choices or bad though brought me to the tree that day. To an appreciation of my life, my latest choices I had made and a peace in being able to look at the sky, knowing even though there would always be a bird that might fly higher, I would still be needed to teach. This spring brought me peace and a new way of looking at life. New family, similar outlook and so much more appreciation for what I had now. I felt love and was loved. I had felt this before many times in my life, but feeling the love of being appreciated for who I was, even though many still might not understand was a driving force through my days and years. Joy, happiness, being that special one, the consistent force who was counted on to be there and be willing to help another was my life force that kept me going.
My beliefs for a long time would still not be able to see higher than the birds or the sky above me. Wondering, what would happen if I reach the top of the sky with nowhere to go? Would I fall somewhere else without my body or be lifted even higher. This was my fear, not being sure I was acceptable to fly higher, so for the last of the time I spent on earth I still tried to reach higher than those I felt already had wings, feeling than I would be in the company of others to catch me if I fell on leaving this world. I learned to see differently when I was told my eyes soon would not see this world again. I learned to look deeper, knowing that deepest part of myself would be with me in flight. I learned to trust, even though trusting beyond was never easy. I learned to remember, that love is beyond you and me. I spent time, getting to know me. My thoughts would still wander at times into fear of falling, but each time I also felt myself become lighter inside, as if wings were growing I could not yet see.
I learned to appreciate the body I took for granted, understanding the dependency we put upon our physical life weighted by our own abuse at times, when it seems that we have forever to learn to fly. I learned to stretch my imagination and find comfort. I even learned to dream again. I found comfort in the smaller things in life which required no wings, just faith and love. At times I even found myself aching for what I feared. Those thoughts were strange but yet comforting. I learned to appreciate each breath I took, knowing each one was given for this time of learning about me. I sensed and felt life from day to day. My expectations no longer stretched beyond my comprehension, but yet my yearning began to go beyond expectations I had before. I took time to love and receive the love which was so available to me, always but not recognized the same.
My days became simple but full. Possibly fuller than they had been over a lifetime because I was talking to a part of me I had not found time for. Now I took the time. Time to love my family, time for those things in the past which might have found me upset, I now found me amused in the greatness of still seeing life in progress. I found peace through my namesake, being grateful for not only seeing her born, but grow, walk and talk and to know each other. I found each generation of my life, wrap around myself like a blanket that only got bigger and thicker in warming my heart. I found myself taking the time to love all parts of my life, accomplishments, loves, children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren. I was so blessed, in ways I never thought I would allow myself to be. I allowed love and acceptance without judging myself for what I had done or might have done in life, just a feeling of accomplishment in life for who I was.
I reunited, and I said my goodbyes – some spoken and some silent, but each was thought about. And I thought about my hello’s that were coming if I did not fall and was carried higher. Who would be waiting were my early thoughts and then who wouldn’t be waiting became my peaceful thoughts. When the fear would not creep in, I began to feel an excitement and that brought feelings of guilt for those I would leave behind. How could I feel excited if I was creating grief? Trying desperately, to continue to put that grief off into another week, day, hour or as long as possible, so I could still be their happiness and not their grief in this world.
I would stay until they released me too go, knowing that now they would be ready for my exit. The same being that gave the birds wings who I so much wanted to imitate in flying, has now set me free. I did not fall, my spirit of me I held within, flew me beyond my fears. Do not cry for me; only think of me being still there for you, as I always will be. Where I have gone is not far, and I will be there for you when the time comes and fear is released. I can see you now, I will see the young grow through your eyes; my eyes have already welcomed them home. No fear of who is waiting or who is not, anyone in life that you ever loved, loves you now. I have rejoined a journey already in progress. Say a prayer for me as you choose, with each prayer I will hear your thoughts. Talk to me, remember me, but don’t cry for me, I will always live through you without fear, without death and without any regrets. Only the love I found when I once again met this part of me. No goodbyes.
Blessings and Namaste'
Spring of 1983, sitting by a tree listening to the birds sound out as they flew over head my thoughts soared into their flight above. How could these creatures of this earth be given the gift of flight over the human race, for what purpose? Spent my life with the urge to fly higher and attempting to meet goals with the wings of a bird, seemingly effortless in the process of just being who they were designed to be.
I had given wings to others and watched them fly from my teachings, but yet had not found that in myself. Along the way choosing to make choices to be the best I could be, without many times having full consideration or knowing our choices need to be as good for the ones we love, as for ourselves.
Good choices or bad though brought me to the tree that day. To an appreciation of my life, my latest choices I had made and a peace in being able to look at the sky, knowing even though there would always be a bird that might fly higher, I would still be needed to teach. This spring brought me peace and a new way of looking at life. New family, similar outlook and so much more appreciation for what I had now. I felt love and was loved. I had felt this before many times in my life, but feeling the love of being appreciated for who I was, even though many still might not understand was a driving force through my days and years. Joy, happiness, being that special one, the consistent force who was counted on to be there and be willing to help another was my life force that kept me going.
My beliefs for a long time would still not be able to see higher than the birds or the sky above me. Wondering, what would happen if I reach the top of the sky with nowhere to go? Would I fall somewhere else without my body or be lifted even higher. This was my fear, not being sure I was acceptable to fly higher, so for the last of the time I spent on earth I still tried to reach higher than those I felt already had wings, feeling than I would be in the company of others to catch me if I fell on leaving this world. I learned to see differently when I was told my eyes soon would not see this world again. I learned to look deeper, knowing that deepest part of myself would be with me in flight. I learned to trust, even though trusting beyond was never easy. I learned to remember, that love is beyond you and me. I spent time, getting to know me. My thoughts would still wander at times into fear of falling, but each time I also felt myself become lighter inside, as if wings were growing I could not yet see.
I learned to appreciate the body I took for granted, understanding the dependency we put upon our physical life weighted by our own abuse at times, when it seems that we have forever to learn to fly. I learned to stretch my imagination and find comfort. I even learned to dream again. I found comfort in the smaller things in life which required no wings, just faith and love. At times I even found myself aching for what I feared. Those thoughts were strange but yet comforting. I learned to appreciate each breath I took, knowing each one was given for this time of learning about me. I sensed and felt life from day to day. My expectations no longer stretched beyond my comprehension, but yet my yearning began to go beyond expectations I had before. I took time to love and receive the love which was so available to me, always but not recognized the same.
My days became simple but full. Possibly fuller than they had been over a lifetime because I was talking to a part of me I had not found time for. Now I took the time. Time to love my family, time for those things in the past which might have found me upset, I now found me amused in the greatness of still seeing life in progress. I found peace through my namesake, being grateful for not only seeing her born, but grow, walk and talk and to know each other. I found each generation of my life, wrap around myself like a blanket that only got bigger and thicker in warming my heart. I found myself taking the time to love all parts of my life, accomplishments, loves, children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren. I was so blessed, in ways I never thought I would allow myself to be. I allowed love and acceptance without judging myself for what I had done or might have done in life, just a feeling of accomplishment in life for who I was.
I reunited, and I said my goodbyes – some spoken and some silent, but each was thought about. And I thought about my hello’s that were coming if I did not fall and was carried higher. Who would be waiting were my early thoughts and then who wouldn’t be waiting became my peaceful thoughts. When the fear would not creep in, I began to feel an excitement and that brought feelings of guilt for those I would leave behind. How could I feel excited if I was creating grief? Trying desperately, to continue to put that grief off into another week, day, hour or as long as possible, so I could still be their happiness and not their grief in this world.
I would stay until they released me too go, knowing that now they would be ready for my exit. The same being that gave the birds wings who I so much wanted to imitate in flying, has now set me free. I did not fall, my spirit of me I held within, flew me beyond my fears. Do not cry for me; only think of me being still there for you, as I always will be. Where I have gone is not far, and I will be there for you when the time comes and fear is released. I can see you now, I will see the young grow through your eyes; my eyes have already welcomed them home. No fear of who is waiting or who is not, anyone in life that you ever loved, loves you now. I have rejoined a journey already in progress. Say a prayer for me as you choose, with each prayer I will hear your thoughts. Talk to me, remember me, but don’t cry for me, I will always live through you without fear, without death and without any regrets. Only the love I found when I once again met this part of me. No goodbyes.
Comments